Are You Listening?
Most of us would answer “Yes! Of course!” to
that question… But what
would our friends, co-workers and spouse say if asked about our
listening skills?
What are some of the traits that make a good listener?
- Giving 100% of your
attention
- Waiting until others have
finished a thought or a sentence before responding
- Saying, “What I hear
you saying is…” followed by paraphrasing what is understood as the
other person’s meaning
- Asking follow-up
questions
- Finishing someone’s
sentence for him because you’ve been listening so well that you know
what he is going to say
If you answered “a, b, c, and d,” you’re on
target!
You have probably heard of active listening, but do you
practice it regularly? Active
listening means listening with not only your ears but also with your
eyes and your heart. This
means paying attention to body language and to how the conversation
feels. Studies have shown
that in a face-to-face conversation only 7% of what is communicated
comes from the spoken words—38% is communicated via tone of voice,
and body language accounts for 55%.
This means that in a telephone conversation—where you can
neither see nor be seen (no body language)—84% of the message
received is in the tone of voice!
{Note: With only
words and tone of voice available, words are 16% and tone of voice is
84%.}
To get a feel for how important tone of voice can be read
these next sentences aloud, emphasizing the underlined bolded words:
1.
I didn’t say he took the bus.
2.
I didn’t say he took the bus.
3.
I didn’t say he took the bus.
4.
I didn’t say he took the bus.
Each of those sentences conveys a slightly different
meaning solely because the word emphasized was changed. It is also possible to get a
meaning other than the one intended because your frame of reference is
different from that of the speaker. This is why clarifying and making sure you
understand through paraphrasing are so important.
Since body language is so important to active listening,
be aware of the importance of eye contact with the speaker and of
leaning forward a bit. These both show connection to and an
interest in the speaker. Above all, allow the speaker to finish his or her
thought before responding. Once
talking starts, all listening has definitely stopped!
Bill couldn’t understand why people thought he didn’t
listen. He believed he
was totally involved in the other person’s thoughts. He was very proud of the fact
that he made eye contact, leaned in a bit and waited until the other
person finished before he said his piece. What Bill didn’t realize was that there was a
silence of only about 3 nanoseconds before he started talking.
Immediately prior he would lean forward, open his mouth, take a
breath, and slightly bob his head.
Those are all very strong indications that listening has
stopped and talking is about to start.
Active listening is not rocket science. It is genuine interest in the
other person’s thoughts and ideas and respect for his right to
express them.
